


Meaningful Conversations with your Dick

by lemone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-17
Updated: 2011-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-26 04:39:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemone/pseuds/lemone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through Rock Band, Toki learns about himself and his dick.</p><p>Also, the phrase 'come dumpster' is used 18 times throughout this fic.  Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meaningful Conversations with your Dick

It all began with the release of Rock Band 3.

Dethklok had tried to play the game during its first two releases, but it had never worked out. The fact that the game allowed a maximum of four players meant that one person was always left out, which led to monumental shitfests over who would be the one to sit and watch the others have fun.

Being Dethklok, the fact that they could simply rotate so that the person in question didn’t have to sit out for long never occurred to them. The person who got left out was left out. He didn’t get to have any fun. And that would happen forever.

Invariably, the fights led to the hapless plastic instruments being smashed into colorful pieces. This happened dozens of times over the course of the three years it took for Rock Band 3, which introduced a keyboard for a total of five possible players (seven if you counted three part harmony, which they didn’t. Three part harmony wasn’t metal.), to come out.

Excited at the prospect of being able to play a game where they could be a band (as opposed to their job, which was totally fuckin’ different. Because it was.) without having to scream at each other and pull each other’s hair, kick, scratch, and bite, and so forth, they gathered together and decided who was on what instrument. It was fairly easy: Nathan was on vocals, Skwisgaar guitar, Murderface was on bass, and Toki on the keyboard set. Pickles, of course, was the drummer. Doodily doo, ding dong, doodily doo.

They lasted 18.7 seconds before failing out.

What followed was a four hour long parade of failure. They never even made it through a song.

“Fuck this schit,” said Murderface, throwing his guitar across the room after their 250th failure. “This isch scho gay.”

“Ja!” Skwisgaar quickly agreed, his pride as the world’s best guitarist sorely bruised. “Dis ams for dildos ladies wit’ nothinks to do’s with dere times! It ams not even with de real’s guitars.” He crossed his arms imperiously. “I never evens wants to play in the first place.”

“Dude! It’s naht dat hard, just hit da buttons when da little colored doodily-doo doodads come up.”

“I think’s it ams the real cool games,” said Toki meekly. “We could’s keeps trying...”

The other four glared at them.

Nathan, ever the band leader, was the first to come up with a solution. “I think we need to have a new band rule. Rock band is a totally gay game for fags and if you play it you’re a totally gay fag. So no playing. That game. Ever. ‘Cause it’s gay.”

Toki raised his hand. “I think’s dat-”

Nathan threw the microphone to the ground, making it crunch painfully. “LET’S VOTE ON IT.”

Three hands shot up. Pickles raised his hand as well. “Dude! It’s naht really my behg. If I wahnted to play drums, dat’s what I’d go do.”

“Buts-”

“OKAY OFFICIAL BAND RULE. Let’s throw this shit out and go hit a strip joint.”

The others tossed their instruments to the floor, except Pickles, who kicked his over and followed Nathan out. Because by ‘throw this shit out’, Nathan meant ‘leave this shit here for some Klokateers to take care of’. Toki was left alone with the poor, abused plastic instruments. He didn’t think it was very fair. He was actually starting to get kinda sorta good at the game. He even managed to save Skwisgaar a few times! He could’ve gotten real good, given enough time. They all could have! It just wasn’t fair.

 _What’s the matter, Toki?_

“Oh, nothings, dick.”

 _It doesn’t sound like nothing to me. C’mon buddy, you can tell me._

“It no big deal, it’s just there’s dis real cools video games I really wants to plays, but the guys all says it makes me gay to plays. I wants to plays, but I don’t wants to get in troubles for being gays.”

 _Don’t worry buddy, you can still play! It’ll be just like when you stick me into men. Just don’t tell them about it and it’ll be fine!_

“You really thinks so?”

 _I don’t see why not._

After a quick check to make sure that the rest of the guys were gone, Toki threw the two guitars over his shoulder, grabbed the overturned drums in one hand and the keyboard in the other. The crunched microphone he left for dead.

Toki dashed from the room, his prizes in tow.

~A few days later~

Charles looked up from his paperwork incredulously. “You, ah, want me to what?”

Toki sat on the opposite side of his desk, eyes wide and blue. “I wants you to play Rock Bands with me!”

“But, you’re already, ah-”

“No’s, not like dat’s! Like de games!”

“The what?”

“The video games! It ams called ‘Rock Bands’!’

Charles made a face. “I’m not, ah, really into that kinda thing. You could ask the other-”

“No’s! I can’ts, de guys all say dat it ams de gay, but it’s nots! It real cool and fun and you plays de shows and you gets de fans and you gets de moneys and dere aren’t any sluts like in real lifes, but you still has a real cools time but it’s not so much funs to plays alone. And it don’ts makes you gay like dey say it do! Will you plays with me’s?” Toki did his best to make his eyes big and blue and wobbly and real hard to say ‘no’ to.

Charles made a face down at his work, like he was trying to come up with a way to say ‘no’ to the big wobbly blue eyes without making them leak guilt-inducing tears all over the place.

“You don’t has to do’s it now’s, we cans just waits until you done’s with workings today! It am’s no big deals.”

Charles sensed his chance to decline without upsetting Toki. “I, ah, do have a great number of things to take care of today, Toki. You’ll probably want to be off drinking with the guys by the time I’m, ah, done, and-”

“You means about ten or eleven clocks?”

“Around that time, yes.”

“Oh, dat’s cools! I can’s stays homes when de guys leave and den comes by here around elevens with the guitars and de keyboard and’s-”

“I, ah, really need to get up early tomorrow , and, ah-”

“You don’t wants to play with me?” Toki did a very good job of looking like his heart was breaking into tiny pieces.

Charles found that he was terrified by the prospect of having to deal with a crying Toki in his office. “No, no! I just, ah, won’t be able to play for very long because I, ah, need to get some sleep, is all.”

Toki was instantly buoyant. “Oh, no problems! I comes by at elevens and brings de instruments and we can’s play only for an hour or two’s!”

Before Charles could say another word, Toki hopped up and bounced out the door.

Resigned to his fate, Charles heaved a sigh and went back to his work.

~Later that evening~

“So, ah, how do we play this, ah, game?”

Toki laid the sundry instruments out. “Dere’s a bunch of different instruments you’s cans plays. Dere’s de guitars, I gets to plays de guitars, and de bass, and de keyboards, and de drum, and I evens orders a new microphone on the internets to replace the ones dat Nathan am’s smashed. You sings de songs with de microphones! Do you wants to do de songs?”

Charles just looked at him. “No.”

“Well, whats you wants to plays, den?”

Charles looked at the array of brightly colored plastic instruments in front of him. In truth, he didn’t really feel that this was the best use of his time in the world, but if it made Toki happy, then so be it. Toki had led a very hard life, to say the least, and if he could bring a bit of joy to that life by playing a video game with him, then it wasn’t really time wasted now, was it? “What would you, ah, recommend?”

“You coulds play de bass, den we coulds both plays de guitar togethers!”

Sighing, Charles hefted the silly looking thing up by it’s rainbow-button adorned neck and slung the shoulder strap over his head. “I, ah, don’t see why not.”

~~~****~~~

Toki thought that Charles might be magic. Rock Band magic. They had gotten through a whole three songs without failing out once! Toki only had to save him one time on the first song when Charles was still learning which color button was where. It was the coolest time ever. Charles even let Toki fix up his character for him and everything. Their band, the Wartooths, had over five hundred fans and had earned nearly fifty dollars. It sorta reminded Toki of his brief stint with Thunderhorse, before the guys came and took it over and it just started being Dethklok, but with no money and hardly any hot sluts. Charles even let him keep the instruments in his room so Toki wouldn’t have to lug all of them back and forth and keep stuffing them in the closet where the guys wouldn’t see. It was one of the bestest times Toki had ever had in his entire life that didn’t involve hot sluts.

Finally, Charles started making noises about having to get up in a few hours, and they called it quits. Toki bade Charles goodbye and left Charles’s bedroom and passed through his office with a spring in his step, and a song in his heart.

~~~****~~~

Over the next few weeks, Toki spent every evening he could playing Rock Band with Charles. Sometimes they couldn’t play because the band was off playing a gig in Istanbul or wherever, or because Charles was on a business trip somewhere. And sometimes they couldn’t play because they guys would get all pissy because Toki wasn’t going drinking or off to strip joints with them. So, Toki would allow himself to be dragged to whatever dive Nathan had picked out for the night, but the whole time he would be thinking about the Wartooths, and their growing popularity.

Charles never seemed to get into the game as much as Toki, and he never practiced when Toki wasn’t around. But he seemed cool with Toki coming by to play in his room whenever. Which was good, because Toki thought about bringing up the idea of playing again with the guys, thinking that the sting of failure had maybe been drowned by drugs and alcohol, only to have Pickles look at him like he had grown another head.

“Toki,” Pickles had said gently, “Remember what we talked about? How dat’s a gay game dat makes you gay by playing it? Remember?”

“Oh, ja, Toki remember,” Toki said, sweating. “Good thing Toki never play dat game!”

So it continued to be just him and Charles. Which wasn’t so bad, Toki mused. He sorta liked having Charles to himself. And they were getting really good at it, besides. Charles had gotten up to medium difficulty at bass and keyboards, and Toki was a hair away to bumping himself up to hard mode in guitar. He didn’t see the logic in trying to fix something that wasn’t broken.

~~~****~~~

Austin, Texas burned merrily in the distance visible through the window of the Dethtel, the portable hotel that was air-lifted with them wherever they went to play a show nowadays. It had all the stuff a regular hotel had: towels to steal, a pool, an ice machine that never had ice, but it also came with stuff with Dethklok specially in mind. Like walk in mini bars for Pickles, and some sort of fancy ‘squirt your butt with water’ toilet for Murderface. It also didn’t have any hotel managers to get all pissed off at them when they smashed stuff and ran around naked and vomited in places. It was nice and all, but Toki couldn’t help but feel glad to be heading home as he packed his bags and got ready to head back to Mordhaus.

He turned around to find all four of the other members of Dethklok staring at him.

“Um....hi’s?,” said Toki.

The other guys stared at him, then looked at each other, then went back to staring at Toki.

“Ams you somethings...” Toki had to stop and think how you were supposed to phrase the question in English for a minute. “Ams somethings wrongs?”

Nathan and Pickles looked at each other, seeming to have an entire conversation with their eyes, before Pickles spoke up.

“Toki.... you been headin’ ahff to Ahfdensen’s room real late at night fer a while now. You ain’t even been goin’ with us to drink or nothin’ unless we make you.”

Toki’s heart dropped into his stomach.

“Is dere, err, somethin’ you wanna tell us about, dere?”

 _Tell a lie, tell a lie!_ Toki's dick said. So Toki said the first thing that popped into his head.

“Ja, I fucks him.”

 _Oof. We... we probably should’ve asked your brain about this, huh?_

~~~******~~~

“Gentlemen! It appears that we have yet another situation to contend with.”

The Tribunal gathered around to discuss the latest Dethklok-related possible catastrophe. Senator Stampingston took his position as emcee, took the remote control out of his pocket, and used it to bring up a grainy video of Dethklok gathered around each other. Dethklok rhythm guitarist, Toki Wartooth, seemed to be addressing his fellow band mates.

“Oh ja, he maybe comes off like de cold fish sometime, but hoo boy, when you ams gets him behind de closed doors he real crazy.”

General Crozier lifted an eyebrow. “Cold fish?”

“He is referring to Dethklok CFO, Charles Foster Ofdensen,” said Senator Stampingston as an exquisitely deadpan image of the manager in question popped up on the big screen.

“Really.”

“Yes, really.”

Vater Orlaag seemed suitably impressed by the dire nature of the situation. “Dethklok has shown a great deal of... territorial behavior... towards their manager. If one of their own is showing feelings toward him, they may begin to tear each other apart.”

“Indeed. Here to discuss further implications of the situation is Baltimore University's Chair of Pathological Jealousy Studies, Gertrude Bibmibopinstein. Mrs. Bibmibopinstein?”

A heavyset ginger woman with a small upturned nose and librarian glasses stepped from the shadows. She nodded in Vater Orlaag's direction.

“You are correct, sir. Dethklok has a well-documented history of showing brutal jealousy towards any who come too close to their manager. I have provided a short video clip which illustrates this behavior. If you please?”

The lights dimmed and an image of the five members of Dethklok popped up on the screen. They were gathered together, glaring as one in the direction of a tall blonde woman in a cocktail dress. Their rhythm guitarist stepped forward, pretending to check a watch that wasn’t there. “Oh ja, we knows you gots a busy schedule of de jizz chuggings, we don’t wants to keeps you. You better goes right nows!”

The scene switched. Dethklok stood next to their manager and a handsome dark-haired man in a designer suit. Mr. Ofdensen answered a phone call on his BlackDethberry, looked concerned about something, then told the group he’d be back in a few minutes, leaving Dethklok alone with the man.

Dehklok front man Nathan Explosion regarded him. “Well, we’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a horrible, disgusting come dumpster-”

“Worthless,” supplied Toki helpfully.

“Thanks, Toki.” Nathan turned back towards the man. “You’re a horrible, worthless, disgusting come dumpster and just looking at you makes us want to all vomit up our own guts, so we’re gonna go now. Seeya.”

Another scene. Pickles the drummer sat swaying atop a camel, barely hanging on. He pointed an accusatory finger at a busty red-headed woman who stood by him. “Queen of the mother effin’ douchebags!”

Yet another. Toki Wartooth glared death at a well-dressed tall man. “TARDIS buttholes!”   
Skwisgaar Swigelf, who was next to Toki, looked confused. “De whats buttholes?”

“De TARDIS. It ams de time machines what de Doctors ams travels in. It looks like normals from de outsides, but once you ams inside it you ams amazed at how bigs it is.”

“Oh ja.” Skwisgaar laughed. “Ja, you ams gots de TARDIS buttholes.”

Yet another scene. A leggy blonde walked up to Nathan, who was sitting on the couch. She extended one immaculately-manicured hand. “Oh, Charles has told me all about you! My name is-”

“Keep walkin’, Stargate vagina,” Nathan said, not taking his eyes off of the screen.

Another scene. An elegant woman in an evening gown sat with Ofdensen at some sort of dinner party. Smiling, he led her by the hand towards the dance floor. In the background, Toki and Murderface watched. They met each other’s eyes, nodded, then stood up together and walked over to the table where Ofdensen had been sitting with his date. The metallic noise of zippers being pulled down sounded, and they began urinating on her evening wrap and purse.

After the shot of Toki being patted on the back by his fellow band mates for pegging one of Ofdensen’s girlfriends with an empty vodka bottle, Mrs. Bibmibopinstein assumed that they got the picture and shut the video feed off.

“Because that’s not weird at all,” quipped Crozier.

Bibmibopinstein stood forward. “Dethklok’s collectively abysmal self esteem and Neanderthal concept of emotional attachment leads them to be hyper-aware of anyone they perceive as having the desire to steal what is their’s away from them. They have no confidence in their abilities to keep their manager’s attention, so they feel they must become vicious in order to drive away the interlopers.”

The dire nature of the situation seemed to finally dawn on Stampingston. “And if one of these ‘interlopers’ is one of their own...?”

“They will tear each other apart,” said Bibmibopinstein with satisfaction.

“That might be for the best,” said Crozier. In truth, he really had hoped that the destruction of Dethklok would involve a lot less gay sex, but if it ensured the world was safe from a pack of idiotic man-children who had inexplicably become a world power, then so be it.

“We will wait,” intoned Selatcia, effectively dismissing the meeting.

~~~****~~~

Charles Foster Ofdensen wobbled in the direction of his office. He had met some business associates at the Mastodon for drinks and to discuss certain business propositions. Perhaps he had a few too many, but he had finished everything else he needed to attend to for the day, so he didn’t see much of a problem with it.

He was, however, surprised and a little worried to see the boys gathered around the door to his office. Oh, hell. If there was something they needed him to take care of, he was in piss-poor shape to do it in.

He was still formulating something smooth and businesslike to say to them when Toki walked up and gave him a crushing hug. He was surprised enough to nearly be knocked off his already-unsteady feet.

“Please plays along,” Toki whispered into his ear.

“Ahhh, okay.”

Toki wound one of his arms around Charles’s waist, and used it to steer him in the direction of his office.

“Wow-wee Charles, you ams really lookings tireds, I helps you gets to bed. Okayguysseeyoulatersbyebyesnows.”

~~~****~~~

Toki locked the door behind him, and then leaned against it, sighing deeply. The guys had been real serious about wanting to talk to Charles, but he couldn’t let that happen. Not tonight. In between leaving the Dethtel and getting back home, Toki had found himself, well, adding a whole lot of detail into the whole ‘I fucks Charles’ story, and things had actually gotten a little bit gross towards the end, there. The guys didn’t seem too happy about the whole thing, but it was better than having them think they were gay, right? So Charles would understand. Right?

Toki watched as Charles fumbled with the door that led to his bedroom. Wow-wee, he’d really been drinking a lot tonight, hadn’t he? Toki felt something deep and red rising in his chest at the idea that Charles might have been off with a new girlfriend or boyfriend while they were gone. Intending to find out whether or not this was true, Toki followed him into his bedroom.

Only to find out Charles was already passed out on the bed. His shoes were still on and everything. The deep red turned twisty and tingly and Toki found himself gently prying off the other man’s shoes and setting his glasses on the nightstand before kneeling in front of him on the floor. He looked so... different when he was asleep. Even if it was just regular old drunken-passed-out sleep.

Charles opened his eyes. They were all green-brown and close and Toki was really starting to think that he wouldn’t be able to tell Charles that he had lied and said that they were fucking and that he had gotten them both in trouble because he was too busy thinking about how badly he wanted to hug and kiss Charles and make that lie into a reality.

“‘S dhe madder, ” asked Charles, his voice all muffled and funny from his mouth being pressed into the bed spread.

“I gots us both in trouble, Charles,” said Toki. “I gots us both in troubles and I’m sorries.”

“Oh, Toki.” Charles reached out an arm and wrapped it around Toki’s neck and pulled him in for an awkward hug-type thing, with his finger’s all patting and getting tangled up in Toki’s hair. “Toki, Toki. It’ll be ok-kay.”

Then Charles passed out again.

It was at this point that Toki realized he was hard enough to... to do something that you needed a thing that was really, really hard to do it with.

 _Oh my God, Toki. This person is awesome. Why haven’t you stuck me into him yet?_

“I can’ts, dick.”

 _Why not?_

“It ams Charles.”

 _But... you already told the others you were sticking me into him, so really in a way you’re already doing it. So you should do it now._

“Buts...”

 _Don’t you remember all those great stories I helped you come up with? It could be just like that! It’ll be great, Toki. Trust me._

 

“But, he ams asleep.”

 _So, wake him up._

Toki poked Charles in the temple until Charles opened one bleary eye in his direction.

“Charles?”

“Mmrph?”

“I really, reallys wants to fucks you.”

Charles’s eyes scrunched up a bit in a disfocused thinking expression, which then slackened. “I’m too drunk.”

 _Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww._

“Cans I use your bathrooms den?”

Toki got a snore in response, which he took as a yes. Mostly because he was in no condition to walk back to his room the way things were. Unless he just wanted to be real uncomfortable and embarrassed. Which he didn’t.

Toki locked himself in Charles’s bathroom and took care of the problem. As he was cleaning up after himself, he took small comfort in the fact that at least someone was having fun.

~~The next morning~ ~

Charles was excruciatingly hung over. His stomach felt like a brick being dangled by a string, swaying dangerously. His head throbbed dully and dryly. He wanted to die, but there was work to be done. There was always work to be done.

He opened the door to his office to find Pickles sitting in a chair turned to face the door to Charles’s bedroom, arms crossed, glaring

‘Oh sweet Mary, mother of God,’ thought Charles. ‘Don’t let him start smashing lamps. Not that. Not today.’

Charles put on his best ‘bland manager’ face, fearing the worst. “What can I, ah, do for you, Pickles?”

Pickles jumped up. “Oh, I’m serprized you gaht da time ta spend with my prahblems! Aren’t you dippin’ inta yer busy schedule of riding around in a big white van with, I dunno,'free candy' painted on da side?”

Charles was almost positive that it wasn’t his poor, dehydrated brain that was failing to understand the situation, it was simply Pickles not making any sense.

 

“I’m, ah, afraid I don’t...”

“Don’t play dumb! You know exactly what I’m tahlkin’ about!” Pickles shouting had an high-pitched edge to it that was an awful lot like having a knife plunged into your temple, and Charles winced, despite himself.

“I don’t-” He managed

“I’m talkin’ about Toki!”

“What abouts me?”

Charles turned, his head and stomach following 2.4 seconds behind him, to find Toki standing in the doorway. He mentally kicked himself. He should have heard someone coming, if it haven’t been Toki, or the conversation had been of a more sensitive nature...

Pickles glared at Toki, then at Charles. “Don’t think we’re done tahlkin’ about dis!” He stormed out, leaving Charles and Toki alone.

Charles took one look at Toki’s wobbling, blue eyes and instantly put the pieces together.

~Elsewhere~

“Guys, this is serious.”

Dethklok sans Toki gathered around to discuss the bombshell that had been dropped mere hours ago.

Nathan was the first to speak. “Toki’s dating Charles. And we know that anybody who dates Charles is a horrible come dumpster. We know that. So, that means Toki’s- Well, you know. We gotta do something.”

Pickles seemed to remember something. “Oh my Gahd! Did I tell you what dat last hahrrible come dumpster did?”

“No, whats?”

“Well, dere I was, jehst mindin’ my own business, sittin’ on da couch when SHE walks by. I sneeze, and she’s all like ‘bless you’!”

Everyone was suitably scandalized.

“Wow, what a bitch!”

“Schkank.”

“Dude, I know!”

“Deese horribles comes dumkters dat Charles ams finds-ding just keeps getting mores and mores horribles.”

“And now Toki’s one of THEM.”

Everyone looked appropriately desolate.

“It’s schad, you know? You think you know a guy, then he turnsch on you like thisch.”

Nathan scrunched his eyebrows in thought. “Toki or Charles?”

“Both.”

“Dude! I tried to make Ahfdensen feel behd about bangin’ Toki, but then Toki just barged in and effin’ stahpped me before I could even get goin’!”

Nathan brushed his hair out of his eyes. “We gotta do something. For Charles. He never even realizes these people are horrible, much less come dumpsters.”

For a while they just sat there.

Murderface spoke up. “Scho, now what?”

Nathan looked around. “I dunno, usually about this time Toki comes in with those folders with the colored tabs and the stickers and like... highlighters and shit that tells us all the shit we gotta say and do to make Charles’s horrible come dumpster girlfriend or horrible come dumpster boyfriend fuck off but... I guess he won’t be coming this time, huh?”

Murderface pounded his fists on the table. “Guysch! We have to do schomething! Poor Toki’sch becoming more and more of a horrible come dumpschter asch we schpeak!”

Skwisgaar twitched, his ‘sitting-here-listening-to-people-talk’ solo skipping a few notes.

“Dude! If Toki’s da one who always helps us chase away Ahfedensen’s hahrrible come dumpster girlfriend an’ occasional hahrrible come dumpster boyfriend, but he’s the hahrrible come dumpster this time-”

Skwisgaar twitched again.

“-Den who’s gonna chase HIM away?”

“Shit.” Nathan perked up, seeming to realize something. “Hey, I think I have a couple of Toki’s ‘chase away Charles’s latest horrible come dumpster boyfriend or girlfriend or what the fuck ever’ folders under a couple of porno mags!”

Pickles sat up quickly. “Dude! I remember seein’ one ‘o dem under Charlotte dis mornin’!”

Everyone sort of looked at him.

“Dats the name ‘o my twelfth favorite bong.”

“I got a whole schtack of them under my bed!”

“Maybe if we get all of the come dumpster boyfriend and come dumpster girlfriend chasin’ away folders we got together, we can come up with a way to save Charles from Toki!”

“We might even be able to schave Toki from turning into too much of a come dumpschter himschelf!”

Skwisgaar smiled a wide, plastered-on, wholly uncomfortable smile. “Ja, dats be just... greats.”

Dethklok scattered towards the direction of there respective rooms, excited at the prospect of saving their manager and rhythm guitarist. All save Skwisgaar, who watched his band mates go, shoulders slumped. Eventually he ambled in the direction of his own room.

~~~******~~~

Charles sat at his desk, his head cradled in his hands. He looked like he was ready to throw up.

“I’m going to be fired. After all this time, all the work I put into this...” His voice trailed off and he stared miserably into the middle distance. Toki felt like his heart and been dropped from the Dethcopter and bounced when it hit the ground.

“Buts at least the guys won’t think you’re gay?” he offered. Maybe that would make Charles feel better?

Charles laughed, softly, bitterly. Wolves had found Toki’s dropped, bouncy-heart and started chewing on it. “Half of them think you’re still seventeen. You heard Pickles. They think I’m a cradle robber. They must have seen you coming and going from to my room and thought the worst.”

Toki didn’t need his brain OR his dick to tell him not to say anything at this point.

Suddenly, Charles sat up and turned on his computer.

“What you ams doing?”

“Damage control. Since I’m going to be, ah, gone for a while, the least thing I can do is to make sure Dethklok is taken care of. If I’m lucky, I can set things up so that the company is fairly self-sustaining before the, ah, hammer falls.”

Toki’s heart sank. The wolves must have decided to drop it off a cliff or something, he wasn’t sure. Charles really cared about them all, even if they were stupid dildos, didn’t he? He even cared enough to risk playing a game that would have him forever branded as being gay, just to make Toki happy. And now here he was, spending the few moments he thought he had left at his job making sure they’d be okay, and not having to strip for money like when Charles had died.

Toki square his shoulders, frowning in determination. If Charles was willing to do that for him, then the least he could do was protect Charles from being fired.

Just then, the rest of the band burst into the room, Skwisgaar bringing up the rear.

Toki placed himself between Charles and the band. “I not lets you fire Charles!”

Everybody looked confused. Ha! Trying to play dumb, were they? Toki wasn’t going to fall for it.

Nathan frowned. “Wait, what?”

“Nice tries! Toki not gonna falls for dat ones! Ha! You ams so upsets, you can’s find your own dildo manager, and Charles can manage de Toki!”

Nathan made a scrunched up, pissed off face. “We weren’t gonna fire Charles!”

“Oh, Ja? Den why was Pickle in here? I bet’s he was gonna fire Charles right den, but Toki stopped him.”

Pickles looked even angrier than Nathan did, but Toki didn’t care. He wasn’t going to let the guys fire Charles. “And for your informations, Toki ams 28 years old and I never see’s Charles steals no cradles, so there’s! Ha’s!”

Pickles pressed past Nathan. “Now wait just an effin’ minute here!”

“Toki ams gonna take Charles out to a fancy place-”

 _Take him to the Mastodon, he likes it there. Buy him fancy booze! He likes that too._

“Likes de Mastodons, and buys him fancy booze. Den we comes homes-”

 _And I’m gonna get to come all over his face!_

“And den I gets to-”

 _Crap! Don’t say that last part out loud!_

“I gets to... tell him how nice he looks in his red ties.”

 _Great save, Toki._

 

“And you not gets to fires him! So dere’s!” Toki stood, hands on his hips, and waited for the guys to try and shout him down.

 _Oh my goodness Toki, are you yelling at people? And I get to come all over Charles’s face later? This is the best day ever!_

Pickles and Nathan met each other’s eyes, seemed to decide to retreat for the time being, and the band filed out.

“Were you, ah, actually serious about the whole thing with the Mastodon?”

Toki turned around, surprised. He had actually forgot that Charles had been sitting there the whole time.

“Oh, ja. ...Dat is, if you don’ts minds.”

“I, ah, actually don’t think it’s such a good idea to feed their, ah, ideas about what we, ah, do. Together.”

Toki’s dick told him to repeat what he said, so he did. “I just wants to makes it ups for you for de troubles. Maybe’s dey see’s we acts normals and forget about the whole thing.”

Charles took his glasses off to massage the bridge of his nose. “I, ah, certainly hope so. Especially since the boys never seem to be able to get along with my, ah, companions. I couldn’t stand to see them turn on you like that.”

~~~****~~~

“Guys. This is worse than we thought.”

Dethklok sans Toki walked toward the living room, hanging their heads in heartbroken defeat.

Pickles held his elbows in his hands, kicking a beer bottle he had drunk and dropped on the way to Charles’s office down the hall. “All his other hahrrible come dumpsters jehst wanted to hang around bein’ hahrrible come dumpsters, dey never wanted to take him away like dis.”

Nathan stared morosely down at the folder he had brought with him. They’d never even gotten to use it. “And he already knows all our ‘getting rid of horrible come dumpsters’ tricks, because he came up with them all.”

“Dude! All dis time we thought Toki didn’t do nothin’ fer the band, and he was the one doin’ the most important thing of all! Chasin’ away Charles’s come dumpster girlfriends and occasional come dumpster boyfriend!”

“Horrible,” Nathan corrected.

“Dude! You don’t gahtta tell me twice.”

“No, I mean ‘horrible come dumpster’. You gotta say the whole thing.”

“Oh! Sahrry.”

~~~****~~~

That night, as Toki stood in front of the mirror in his room, straightening his tie (his dick assured him this would increase their chances, and no matter how many times Toki insisted he’d be more comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt, his dick refused to listen), Skwisgaar paid him a visit.

Toki frowned at him, not sure whether or not this was the guy’s way of tricking him out of his date with Charles. “What you wants?”

“I wants you to knows,” Skwisgaar took a long, deep breath and let it out slowly. “You ams not de come dumkters.”

Toki just looked at him. “...Thanks?”

“You amn't Toki’s, you amn't! You ams de dumb dildos, and I hates yous, and you gets worse at de guitars with every passkings days, but you ams nots de come dumkters.”

Toki was too confused to even get mad at the stab at his skills with the guitar. (It was certainly more than enough to keep the fans of the Wartooths, who now numbered in the millions, happy.)

“At worse, you ams like a tupperwares containters for de sperms, maybe ones that could stands de better washings, but you know, like I saids, dat ams de worst case skinairy-o’s. And I t’inks, you know, not hards, but I t’inks dat all of de other mens and ladies what we see Charles drags in from de... from de... where you says he drags them from again?”

“From the bowels of de porto-potties at a week longs beer and chili fest. Dat ams Dutch,” Toki reminded him evenly.

“Ja, now I remembers. I was pretty prouds for comings up with dat last parts myself. Because dey all Dutch, you knows? Maybes dey all say ‘ooo I comes from de Californias’ or ‘I comes from de Denvers’ wherever, but de ams Dutch in _here’s_.” Skwisgaar pointed at his chest. "You knows?"

“Ja, no questions,” Toki agreed amicably.

“But I don’t thinks you likes dat. Like I says: sperm tupperwares like whats you buys from de ladies dat has de parties with de snaaaacks and de likkle sandwiches, and den you sticks your you-know-whats into dem alls. Worst cases skinairy-o’s. So’s... I t’inks maybes you should keeps fuckings Charles, because if you ams not doing’s dat, he ams just going to keep draggings in de horribles come dumkters from de bottoms of de shits and vomits filled toilets like always. So ja.”

Toki just looked at him. “Thanks, Skwisgaar. That mean a lot.”

“No problems.”

They just stared at each other.

Skwisgaar fiddled with his guitar awkwardly. “So, ja. Just wanted to lets you knows. You twos... has a good times tokether?”

Toki wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he he settle on “Ja, sure.”

Skwisgaar left.

Toki’s dick piped up. _Oh my goodness, Toki. This is going to be amazing! Charles is all grown up and smells good and everything. He’s like a Father, but instead of beating you all the time, you get to stick me into him! I’m really excited._

“Ja, I can tells.”

~~~****~~~

Toki met up with Charles in his office. Toki wasn’t terribly sure, because all of Charles’s suits pretty much looked the same, but he might have changed into a fresh one since Toki last saw him.

“I, ah, just want you to know that, ah, this _outing_ needs to keep a strictly professional tone. The boys don’t need to be, ah, encouraged, in this idea of theirs, and the last thing we need is for anything like this to leak to the media.”

~Four hours later~

Toki lay in Charles’s bed, sweaty, sticky, and deeply satisfied.

Toki’s dick was happy and sleepy. Toki himself was happy and sleepy.

Toki was just drifting off to sleep when, without a word, Charles got up from the wet spot next to him, hurried into his bathroom, and slammed the door.

~~~****~~~

“I thought we had a deal.”

Charles’s dick ‘hmmm’ed’ thoughtfully. _Deal? I don’t recall any deals._

“You were to, ah, behave yourself while we went out with Toki tonight, and in exchange I was going to get you a pair of nice, ah, discreet call girls.”

 _Oh, that? I was lying when I agreed to that. I just wanted you to stick me into Toki, and this seemed to be the easiest way to get that to happen._

Charles crossed his arms and glared down at his dick, who took no notice. _Which, clearly, that wasn’t what happened, but it was obviously a very satisfactory turn of events. So, I still consider it a ‘W’._

“Oh, a ‘W’, is it? I’m, ah, sure you’ll still think it’s a ‘W’ when we’ve been fired, and are vilified in the media for, ah, sleeping with a man young enough to be my son.”

If he had a pair of eyes, Charles’s dick would have rolled them. _That won’t happen. At worst, you’ll be ‘managing Toki’s new band’ until they get distracted by making something metal or something and forget all about it. And he’s only young enough to be your son if you had him at, what, fifteen or something?_

“Oh, and what if they turn on Toki? They’ve tried to hide it, but you know as well as I do how they’ve treated every single person I’ve dated for the past ten years.”

 _And they’ve been drinking together on a nightly basis for what, seven years now? I’m sure Toki has enough blackmail material on them to keep their traps shut. Besides, Toki’s tougher than he looks. It’ll be fine._

Charles frowned, still severely displeased. Why couldn’t he ever get his dick to take things seriously? Didn’t he understand how hard it was to keep a multi-billion-dollar industry running with someone in your ear nattering on about call girls and half-baked plans to get in the sack with his bosses?

Charles’s dick heaved a long-suffering sigh. _Look, don’t you understand what kind of opportunity this is? You could finally have one of those ‘relationship’ things you’re always gassing on about. One that can actually last more than a week._

Charles still wasn’t convinced. “And when the media finds out?”

 _That’s what Klokateers with high-powered sniper rifles are for. And Team 42-B._

Ah, yes. Team 42-B. Or, as they were colloquially known amongst their colleagues, the ‘make it look like autoerotic asphyxiation gone wrong’ team.

“You really think so?”

Charles opened his bathroom door, only to find Toki leaning on one elbow, waiting for him.

“Is everything’s okays?”

“Yes... I think so. Yes.”

~The next morning~

“And so that’s why Toki’s totally lame and not metal and any band he steals you away to go and start would also be lame and metal and you shouldn’t do that. Because it would be lame and not metal.”

Charles looked down at the bulging, poorly organized and edited folder of information that Nathan and three out of the other four members of Dethklok had brought with them. Judging by the beer stains and various handwriting (the parts Pickles seemed to have made were the only ones typed), all four of them had contributed. Its purpose seemed to be to convince him that he shouldn’t take Toki up upon his apparent offer to leave Dethklok, Inc and help Toki with some sort of solo project.

Charles noted that Skiwsgaar’s only contribution to it was two stick figures with guitars slung about their Sharpie shoulders. One had a Fu-manchu and a frowny face next to it. The other had what Charles assumed was an attempt at drawing Skwisgaar’s cheekbones and a misshapen thumbs-up next to it with the words ‘bsatests guitaaretss’ next to it. Its hair had been colored in with yellow highlighter. It was all strangely endearing, if a little insulting to Toki.

“I, ah, assure you that I have no intentions of quitting Dethklok, nor have I heard Toki mention any side projects.”

“But, he’s fucking you. He totally told us.”

Charles felt his cheeks heat up, despite himself. He glanced at the door to his rooms, behind which Toki still lay sleeping (with most of the covers). “I, ah, do not see-”

“He’sch trying to schteal you away from usch!”

“Dude, yeah! He’s trying to steal you away! You saw what he did!”

“And, ah, what exactly did he do?”

Murderface sputtered. “You know! You schaw!”

“Don’t try to act like you didn’t, you totally did,” agreed Nathan.

“Refresh my memory.”

There was a moment of silence while all four of them tried to remember what had happened. Charles waited patiently, hands folded. Nathan was the first to remember something. “He totally yelled at us when we came in here last. That was shitty.”

Murderface chimed in. “That wasch completely uncalled for!”

“Yeah, so... that’s how we know,” concluded Nathan.

“He, ah, thought you were going to fire me.”

“W  
“I believe that there has been something of a misunder-”

“I t’inks dat-” Skiwsgaar took a deep breath after his interruption, then set to playing his guitar at lightning speed. “I t’inks dat Toki is a likkle lame, not metals dildo’s, but he ams our likkle not metal dildo, and ja, I t’inks he ams knows it. So’s, if he ams fucks Charles, it ams okays. He one’s of us. He ams Dethklok. It like we all fucks him. Dat makes it... okays. We all’s not goinks to starts other bands because of it, so’s who cares?”

The other three members of Dethklok seemed to consider this. Finally, Nathan spoke up:

“Wow, Skwisgaar. That really makes a lot of sense. I forget that you can be really smart sometimes.”

“Ja, just don’t going around tell’s peoples, okays? Being smarts ams not metal.” Skwisgaar spared a glance at Charles. “No offenses.”

“None taken,” said Charles automatically, still trying to wrap his brain around what Skwisgaar had said earlier.

“So yeah, I guess that everything’s cool then.” There was a pause. “Let’s go get drunk. At a bar. Let’s go to a bar and get drunk.”

Nathan held his hands on either side of his mouth, using them to funnel the volume towards Charles’s bedroom door. “ **HEY TOKI WE’RE GOING TO GO TO A BAR TO GET DRUNK. DO YOU WANNA COME WITH US OR ARE YOU GONNA STAY HOME AND FUCK CHARLES?** ”

Toki’s voice, barely audible, filtered through the door to Charles’s private room. “Nah, I cool’s with stayings heres.”

“ **OKAY THEN SEE YOU WHEN WE GET HOME.** ” Nathan turned to the others. “He says he feels like staying home.”

Pickles crossed his arms, clearly not as placated by Skwisgaar’s speech as Nathan had been. “So... what’s dis ‘Wartooths’ band I keep herein’ Toki tahlk about, den?”

Charles’s instincts told him to lie, so he did. “I don’t know, but I, ah, will tell you something: it has nothing to do with the game Rock Band.”

“Well of course naht! Dat game's gay!”

Murderface nodded sagely. “It makesch you into a total limp-wrischted fag juscht by playing it.”

“So I’ve, ah, heard.”

The band merely looked at him. Charles looked back. The inherent... oddness of the situation was beginning to make him uncomfortable.

Eventually the other boys filed out. After the door clicked shut behind them, Toki opened the door to Charles’s bedroom and stuck his head out.

“My dick wants to knows if Skwisgaar was in here a minutes ago sayings we should all fucks.”

~End~


End file.
